Haruno Halfway House
by red-flower11
Summary: Halfway house: a place for former mental patients, convicts, or recovering addicts that helps them transition between confinement and the return to society. Sakura has her work cut out for her, especially with the new guy from prison and this alcoholic who won't get off her couch. Officers Kisame and Itachi are quite worried for her life. AU
1. it's not a whore house at least

An Akatsuki/Sakura AU

I have a feeling this fic is going to be just shameless self-indulgence for me. Most chapters will be shorter than I'm used to, around the 5k mark, with a lot of dorky criminals fighting over the beautiful head of their house. As they do.

* * *

><p>Squeaky-san rolled up to idle beside a lone gas pump, squeaking all the way. Sakura had once asked Tenten (local mechanic and great self-defence teacher) if the dying bear sounds her truck constantly emitted were something she should worry about. Tenten had only scoffed. <em>When you start to hear a grinding screech, that's when you should worry.<em> This statement hadn't appeased Sakura quite as much as Tenten had hoped it would.

Nonetheless, Squeaky-san had yet to fail her in the decade it'd been under her care. Even the semi-frequent eighty kilometer drives out to the prison did little to deter her old Toyota as it chugged dutifully along the barren country roads. This was a good thing, seeing as she was on one such prison trip at the moment.

Sakura killed the engine, tugging the keys free and digging her wallet out of her bag in the passenger seat. She clutched it in her mittens and stared out the fogged windshield at the tiny snowflakes drifting about. It was nearly March and the cold weather hadn't quite gotten the memo about Spring starting up. Today was dipping down below zero and Sakura wanted nothing more than to curl up next to her fireplace with five layers of sweaters and a hot cocoa. However, life and the government gave very few shits about what Sakura wanted and she found herself stopped at a gas station just a few minutes away from Ame Prison.

She had to mentally brace herself before shoving open the car door and, as if on cue, a gust of icy wind blustered by. Her cheeks were raw and pink within seconds and her thick coat tried futilely to keep her shivers to a minimum. Sakura wouldn't say she hated the cold, per se, she just severely disliked doing _anything_ in the winter months. Winter was for hiding in the house and never leaving one's portable heater, not making hour long drives out to the middle of nowhere to pick up recently released convicts. It was just common sense.

The credit card almost escaped when she tried to shake off the wet snow clinging to the cotton of her mittens and Sakura cursed every factor that had led her to this specific moment in her life. There were many people at fault and she could picture each and every one of them with a sadistic sort of accuracy. She had just gotten the gas flowing in the tank when a digital 'ping' had her digging in the pocket of her oversized parka. It took a decent amount of effort as the parka's pockets went as deep as her knees. Finally, she fished out her phone and squinted at the alerts on the screen.

Among a slew of texts from assorted people that she'd ignored in favor of navigating the icy roads, there was a notification from her PoliceTracker app. It read: SUB OOB with two choices to tap underneath it, SEE and NOTIFY POLICE. This was basically the application's speak for 'one of the kiddies has left the bounds of the house and this should worry you.' Sakura sighed, a hot cloud puffing from her lips, and smeared away the snowflake that had wetted the screen before unbuttoning the top half of her mitten to free her fingers. If only technology had advanced far enough to allow her to use her touch screen without actually getting frostbite.

The icy air prickled at her bare skin and she quickly chose the SEE option, her phone unlocking to show a map covered in five dots of different color. The dot that had triggered the notification (signified by a little box that followed it around with the text SUB) was slowly progressing away from the other dots clustered in the empty pink square that was her house's boundaries. It came to a stop beside the line of her home street and loitered there for a few seconds, then headed back into the pink square. Sakura rolled her eyes. The app had flipped out over Tobi checking the mail.

She watched his orange dot flit around the yellow dot with a tiny smile before mashing the home key and going to check her messages. The PoliceTracker app had always slightly unnerved her. While she knew it was a necessity in her line of work, she could never quite shake the feeling that it was invasive and a little creepy. Sakura remembered when they'd first told her to install it, demonstrating with an unused ankle bracelet how it would set off as soon as one of her tenants left the house. _Just precautionary measures, Sakura-san_, the pretty Officer Uchiha had assured, _the notify police option will have us on your doorstep in less than five minutes._

That had been a good four years ago and Sakura had yet to use the option. However, Officer Uchiha and his hulking partner Hoshigaki had shown up for a few house calls in the past. It was usually just to rough up the new guy and really let him know how things worked in the Haruno Halfway House, especially when he picked fights with the other tenants. More often, when the boys got too rowdy, Sakura preferred to sedate them with some rohypnol rather than call in the reinforcements. She wasn't a physician for nothing, after all.

Nine unread messages clogged up her message queue and Sakura skimmed the short previews in search of anything that required an immediate reply.

**Tobi :DD  
><strong>_TOBI GOT THE MAIL :DD U_

**Deidara  
><strong>_we're out of milk i wanted cereal and there's no milk wh yyyy_

**Tenten  
><strong>_Don't forget! Class tonight 7 instead of 8! I've got a thing fo…_

**Kakuzu  
><strong>_Hidan owes me $36.87_

**Hidan  
><strong>_don't lemme 4get i FUCkin owe K $35 ok i dont' WANna die_

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>_UM. SAKURA. Naru told me YOURE GETTING ANOTHER O…_

Sakura frowned at Ino's text and quickly tapped it to read the entire thing, only to find her friend had sent four messages in rapid succession. Typical Ino.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>- _UM. SAKURA. Naru told me YOURE GETTING ANOTHER ONE? WTF.  
><em>- _YOU ALREADY HAVE 5! YOUR HOUSE ISNT THAT BIG.  
><em>- _Is that even legal? can the gov do that i think U should sue them OK!  
><em>- _they better pay u double you aren't running a whore house over there_

Of course Naruto would be the first to spill the beans. His mouth was so big Sakura was honestly surprised he managed to keep his jaw closed for any length of time without the use of surgical wire. She made a point to shoot off an angrily worded and mildly vague text to Naruto before replying to her other loud-mouthed blonde friend. Sometimes Sakura wondered if these types of people just naturally gravitated towards her. Or, even worse, if she gravitated towards them. The thought made her shiver, though it could've been the cold.

_Dei isn't sharing a room right now so I have space for another_, she typed with her index finger and hit send. Her house, an old two story (former) row house, had four bedrooms and she made the best of them by sticking two men to a room. Her own space was the only one on the bottom floor, while the upstairs was delegated strictly to her tenants, a motley crew of convicts and former mental patients all under her care. Deidara, yet another blond loud-mouth (Sakura was becoming worried), had been in Haruno Halfway House the longest of the tenants and therefore managed to keep his room to himself. Until now.

Two weeks ago, Ame Prison representative Kakashi Hatake had phoned her about a young man up for early release so long as he finished his sentence in a halfway house. Thinking of all the complaints Sakura had been constantly berated with about Deidara's living arrangements, she'd agreed without much hesitation. Breaking the news to the blond, however, was put off indefinitely until it couldn't be avoided anymore. Which was basically as soon as she walked through the door with the new guy in tow and Deidara couldn't escape.

Her phone toned the alert of another couple of texts just as the gas pump clicked, Squeaky-san's tank filled. Reading the messages while replacing the gas nozzle with her free hand, Sakura multi-tasked, teeth chattering in another gust of wind.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>- _YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT 4HEAD  
><em>- _6! MEN! IN UR HOUSE! 1 MORE THAN 5 AND 5 WAS ALREAYD TOO MUHC_

Ino was clearly distressed if her speedy texting thumbs were making typos. Sakura pressed the NO option when the pump asked if she would like a receipt, and hurriedly clambered into her truck. She had just gotten the engine rumbling and the heat on full blast when her phone blew up again. Ino was apparently entirely capable of carrying a conversation on by herself.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>- _how much are they paying you for this one pls say a million  
><em>- _what did he do? he didnt blow shit up like D did he  
><em>- _or rob a bank like the stitchy one?  
><em>- _or any animal sacrifice?  
><em>- _is that all the convicts in ur house i forget BC THERES SO MANY_

Sakura was actually pretty okay with letting Ino continue on unanswered for a few hours. It was the perfect way to let her best friend know just how appreciated her attitude wasn't when Sakura was shivering in the middle of nowhere on a Friday morning. She shifted Squeaky-san into gear after flicking her phone to silent and pulled out of the gas station.

Rep. Kakashi of Ame Prison was a man Sakura had been working with ever since she first thought to run a halfway house. He was very supportive of her goals, if lazy and often late to meetings. He was the one in charge of picking who to deliver into Sakura's rehabilitation program, and as far as prisoners and insanity plea convicts went, he'd done pretty well so far. Sakura trusted his judgement. After all, it was said judgement that had given her the five men she took care of and helped currently.

Deidara had been the earliest arrival. Arrested for getting a bit too eager with fireworks and low grade explosives around abandoned buildings, he was hardly what one would describe as a hardened criminal. Sakura had been reticent with him at first and he with her, until she'd discovered his artsy, passionate side. Investing in some clay and a few sculpting classes at the community college for him had been a great decision on Sakura's part, although he'd refused to attend "something so stupid" without her. They'd gotten to know (and even like) each other much better for it though, and recently Deidara had added chemistry courses to his repertoire. Sakura knew he was learning how to blow things up, but at least it was in a controlled environment now.

Thinking of his bright blue eyes, wide with wonder and love for his craft during those classes, brought a satisfied warmth to Sakura's chest and she settled contentedly against the car seat. He was the first man she'd really felt like she'd helped, like she had made a difference in his life. It was her own sort of high to be able to give someone that, another option outside of the hard hand they'd been dealt. Deidara's giant, pleased grins had been her motivation to say yes to the next two Kakashi offered up.

Tobi and Zetsu had come in a pair. Both of them had very similar cases that landed them in the mental hospital wing of Ame Prison. Their lawyers had plead insanity (or more likely, mental instability) to their accusations of aggravated assault and battery. They had been arrested seven months apart, but their situations had been the same so they were often put together in the hospital to work out their issues in group therapy sessions. The doctors diagnosed a rare form of dissociative identity disorder in both of them, what most people classified as split personalities (although that term is defunct nowadays).

Sakura welcomed them with open arms and a smile. Deidara had been an entirely different case. He spent the next week and half glowering and glaring like a sullen teenager whose mom had gotten remarried to some asshole. And Tobi and Zetsu were the assholes. Sakura figured he was just used to having her full attention and care 24/7 and then with arrival of two new boys, that number was cut by a third. It was a big change for everyone and she knew he'd get over it eventually.

It helped that Tobi and Zetsu were both an absolute pleasure to have around. Whereas Deidara had been about as approachable as a prickly cactus when they first met, Tobi was downright _cuddly_ and Zetsu was as polite and chivalrous as an eighteenth century prince. Sakura became fast friends with the both of them but she'd always remained wary of their disorders and experienced it first hand not too long after they moved in.

Tobi, who often reminded her of a child or a puppy, would occasionally have these episodes where he'd seem distant and hard. The expressions of innocent happiness would melt away, twisting into disgust or outright hatred or even cruel glee. He had scared her the first few times it happened, saying mean things she could never imagine Tobi saying in a hundred years. But just like that he'd snap back to himself and skip off to get some ice cream or whathaveyou. Sakura had gotten his prescriptions filled and it happened less often with the medication, but she still worried that one day Tobi wouldn't come back and that angry, contorted face would turn on her.

Zetsu's condition was a little different than Tobi's but no less disquieting. Along with his diagnosed mental disorder, the pigmentation of his skin was divided into two contrasting sides, cut straight down the middle. He was a dark black tone on his right side and a pale white on his left. The doctors had thought it to be something similar to vitiligo but weren't wholly sure, and since it didn't seem to affect his everyday life they'd dismissed it.

Sakura wasn't sure if it was psychological or something else, but Zetsu was literally divided in half, mentally and physically. White Zetsu, as Tobi had called Zetsu's left side, was the kind and helpful man Sakura had grown used to and come to enjoy. Black Zetsu was his more violent and sinister personality, a form of Zetsu that only seemed to talk out of the black side of his mouth. Often he would say things that made Sakura recoil only to have White Zetsu quickly soften the blow with patient, affectionate words.

It was perturbing but Sakura eventually became accustomed to both sides of Zetsu, and even found that the man had a love for any kind of greenery. Plants littered every nook and cranny of the house ever since Zetsu arrived and Sakura was glad to have more life in the Halfway House because of him. She was currently looking into the costs of building a greenhouse in their small backyard for him. The thought of what his face would look like if she could get one, had Sakura's lips quirking in a smile.

Everyone had their own room upstairs for a good part of a year, until Kakashi called on a warm July afternoon touting about a man named Kakuzu. According to the Ame rep. Kakuzu had been arrested for robbing several banks, which wasn't too impressive a story, until Kakashi mentioned that he'd claimed the money was rightfully his and that these banks owed him a good four million. Apparently Kakuzu had been a sort of debt collector and many patrons of those banks had outstanding debts with Kakuzu, so he'd taken it upon himself to beat said patrons into submission, get their information, and withdraw millions of dollars in their names.

It was ingenious really, and Sakura was hesitant to accept at first. He had sounded like a man that plans far far ahead and has back ups for his back ups. She wasn't sure if she would be able to keep a man like that in line and the idea of failing was scary. In the end, she convinced herself that Kakuzu needed her help, to get out of prison, to give him direction, to keep him grounded. Kakuzu arrived on her doorstep and nearly had her squeaking like her truck in alarm at the sight of him.

His body was riddled with thin winding scars that wrapped around his limbs like vines stretching up towards the sun. They looked like the consequences of a stitch job gone bad, as if his entire life was nothing but skin being torn apart in one way or another with nothing but some dental floss and a sewing needle to patch it together. Most striking were the scars, still freshly stitched, elongated from the corners of his lips. They gave his mouth the appearance of stretching across his face almost to his ears, a grotesque parody of a smile, and the thick black stitches looked straight out of a horror movie.

Sakura had only just managed to keep herself from rudely flinching away by desperately making eye contact with him, hoping beyond hope that he had some saving grace. That not all of him was this violent, savage appearance. By some miracle, his eyes had pinned her to the spot. Irises that were a shining green, so absurdly pretty and such an amazing dichotomy to the condition of his body, Sakura wanted to burst into a fit of giggles. She controlled herself but she was pretty sure Kakuzu could see the mirth hiding behind her polite smile.

Beyond that, their relationship remained cordial and (more or less) diplomatic. Kakuzu commanded a certain authority and so he had gotten his own room, kicking Tobi into Zetsu's. Not that Tobi was sad about that fact in the least. Sakura had skillfully turned to the stock exchange channels every time Kakuzu came into the living room, until she'd successfully cultivated his interest in the subject. Which eventually brought around his plan to attend the college's accounting courses, much to Deidara's chagrin. Just that morning, Sakura had heard Kakuzu lamenting the stupidity of his fellow classmates and even his professors over the cup of coffee she always brewed him.

Most recently, and just four weeks after Kakuzu was brought to Sakura's doorstep, Hidan was deposited in her care by a harried Kakashi who looked on the verge of collapse. The first thing Hidan had ever said to Sakura was something along the lines of "where the fuck is Kakuzu, you stupid bitch?" directly after she introduced herself to him. Things were rocky at first, especially since Hidan had apparently met and befriended Kakuzu in prison and had pitched a fit when he learned his new friend had gotten out. Sakura took that as a sign to toss him into Kakuzu's room and let the authoritarian man sort him out for the better.

It had worked for the most part. Sakura later learned Hidan had been put in prison for animal abuse. Apparently, he'd tried to sacrifice his neighbor's cat (among several other animals) to his god. There had been blood everywhere and even Hidan himself had been cut open, his own injuries attributed to the red soaking his clothes and the floor.

Sakura still didn't quite understand how that whole thing worked, but she allowed him to use the basement for his worship so long as he didn't kill any animals. He would always resurface from down there with gashes and stab wounds all over and Sakura would have to spend the rest of the night patching him up so he didn't die on her couch. At first he'd fought her off and cursed at her until his throat was hoarse and he collapsed from bloodloss. Tobi had played a great medical assistant that night and after that time Hidan didn't bother trying to stop her anymore lest he wake up to Tobi leaning over him and drooling on his face again.

Hidan was a very interesting character, but Sakura came to find a sort of comfort in his loud presence and his constant jeering at all the other tenants. It assured her that he was alive and okay, despite how often she saw him on the brink of bleeding to death. Plus, he brought out a less domineering side of Kakuzu and their interactions often had Sakura choking back her laughter. All in all, she counted Hidan as a great addition.

Each and every one of the boys at the Haruno Halfway House had changed Sakura's view on life in some way or another and she hoped she'd done the same for them. She wouldn't trade them for anything else, even if they were a handful and they all had their own problems and they tried to kill each other on a daily basis. They were hers and they needed her, they gave her a purpose. And she hoped this new addition wouldn't upset their comfortable balance too much.

The barbed-wire fencing of Ame Prison was the first thing Sakura saw as she and Squeaky-san bumped over the cracked road. It was always a daunting image, a sprawling portrait of gray brick walls shooting up into the sky like some sort of twisted castle. Sakura had been to the Ame Prison so often, one would think she'd eventually get used to the place's dour atmosphere and sharp edges, but it never failed to make her squirm. The sight of it only hardened her resolve to get the new guy out and take him away from here.

Squeaky-san bumbled and groaned its way up to the gated entrance, a building to the left where the guards hung around waiting for something interesting to happen. Izumo and Kotetsu had often informed Sakura that she was the most entertaining thing to come around and all she ever did was pick up prisoners and leave. Sakura took that to mean they worked extremely mind-numbing jobs at the gate. She shifted into park, wincing at the drawn out squeak that accompanied her foot as it eased off the brake. Izumo and Kotetsu popped the door of the guard's building open and made their way towards her car, huddling together for warmth like penguins trying to block out the antarctic winds.

Sakura rolled down her window, keeping the air vents pointed directly at her face and hugging her torso to maintain body heat. "Hey guys, am I going in or just doing a stop and snatch?" With Deidara, she had just met Kakashi at the gate to pick up the blond explosion-artist. Tobi and Zetsu required their new guardian to sign them out of the hospital ward so she'd actually gone inside the prison for those two. Kakuzu was dumped on her doorstep and Hidan was as well although accompanied by Kakashi. It was like buying a lottery ticket with these guys, Sakura never knew what she was going to get.

Izumo clutched at the scratchy blanket around his shoulders and shrugged, finally stepping a little ways away from Kotetsu. "Kakashi said he's bringing him out here, something about being in a hurry-"

"Book signing! He has a book signing that needs urgent attendance or something," Kotetsu cut in, looking proud of himself, the bandage on his nose damp from the snowflakes. Izumo shot him a 'nobody gives a shit' stare and continued.

"Anyway, he said he'd be here fifteen minutes ago so you should be right on time."

Sakura nodded, having purposely left later than the time Kakashi had given her. The man was nothing if not consistently late to everything he ever did. Sakura honestly wouldn't be shocked if he ended up being late to that book signing he was in a 'hurry' to get to. A hurry for Kakashi was probably driving .5 kilometers faster than his usual snail pace.

As if hearing them, the man himself appeared on the other side of the wire gate as it began to open inwards. "Yo!" he greeted, grinning behind a giant yellow scarf. "I've brought the cargo, Sakura-chan!" He seemed utterly pleased with himself, as if walking a prisoner out to the gate was a feat worth a medal or something. He rounded the gate and came to join the huddled penguins at the side of Sakura's truck.

Sakura hardly spared Kakashi another glance as he approached, tilting her head out the window to try and see around him at the form standing half hidden behind his shoulder. She could tell right off the bat that he was small, at least compared to Kakashi. If she had to guess she would say about her height. A shock of messy red hair, impossibly bright in the dull gray of winter, caught her eye and she was stunned by the color. That couldn't be natural could it? Then again. Sakura had naturally pink hair so she supposed she'd seen crazier things.

"Sakura-chan, you wound me. It's like I don't even exist," Kakashi commented lightly, still smiling despite his words

"I wish you didn't," Kotetsu mumbled and Izumo elbowed him in the ribcage.

Kakashi ignored them and took an exaggeratedly wide step to the side, revealing his charge. "This is Sasori-kun, Sasori-kun say hello to your new mom-"

Sakura was smacking Kakashi upside the head before he could even finish his sentence, half hanging out the window of her truck. She hadn't taken her eyes of the red-head though, her cheeks tinted pink (it was from the cold she'd say later) and her mouth slightly hanging open.

He was beautiful and it was ridiculous. She wanted to cover him up with something just to pretend he didn't exist because it was literally impossible for him to be standing in front of her, looking the way he did. He had delicate features like some sort of china doll. His eyelashes were so long she actually felt like punching something. They fanned, thick and dark, over hooded amber eyes, warm like honey in the summer. He regarded her with a strange silent arrogance, the way a warrior might regard the enemy who had finally brought him to his knees. He would not bow, he would not let her have her win, he would lose on his own terms as if everyone's existence was merely there for him to do with as he pleased.

"Aha, I mean, Sasori-kun say hello to your new housemate and landlord, Sakura-chan," Kakashi corrected, rubbing the spot where Sakura's hand had connected with his hard head. _Sasori_, Sakura committed the name to memory as those amber eyes looked her up and down, calculating. A smile that seemed for no one but himself graced his pretty features and then he was bowing just a tad at the shoulders, his red hair falling into his eyes.

"Please take care of me, Sakura-san," he said in an airy voice that caught the cool wind and floated away. He stood up straight again and Sakura thought that he looked very young for a man in prison. She simply nodded with an attempt at a reassuring smile.

"Me too, Sasori-san. I hope I can help at least a little out there," she said earnestly, bowing her head. When she raised her eyes from the dead grass, her gaze caught on the ratty tennis shoes wrapped around his feet, trying desperately to cling for dear life. She frowned and made note of the rest of his clothing, the white-washed jeans riddled with holes and frays, and the _t-shirt_- a T-SHIRT in this weather?! He had to be freezing, yet he didn't seem at all affected by the low temperature that had Izumo and Kotetsu clinging to each other.

Sakura shot a glare in Kakashi's direction, positive he didn't understand what it was for, and quickly made to hop out of her truck. She was thankful for the red sweater she'd slipped on underneath her parka, as she tugged the coat off her shoulders. The surrounding males watched her with wide-eyes as she stepped towards Sasori, who visibly fought the urge to take a step back as she neared. She had been slightly off about his height from her vantage point in the truck. He was taller than her but not by much, the top of her head lined up with his eyes, but he was definitely similar in build and she easily swung the parka onto his shoulders.

"There we go, can't have you dying of frostbite before I even get you to the house, right?" She grinned with a huff of laughter, her nose and cheeks already bitten by the prickling wind. Sasori's half-lidded eyes regarded her without any visible emotion, the small smile from before all but vanished. He didn't move to hold the jacket on his shoulders so Sakura simply pulled the sides together in front of him and buttoned it at the collar. The fingers exposed from her pinned back mitten brushed against the hollow of his throat as she did so, the warmth of his skin seeping into hers for just an instant. She didn't miss how he startled at the touch.

When Sakura pulled away with a satisfied nod, she saw the baby snowflakes caught in his eyelashes as he continued to stare at her, seemingly at a loss. Just when she thought he couldn't look any more beautiful nature went and did its thing. She inwardly scowled and wished she could look half as good as the boy in front of her. In lieu of saying anything more to the silent red-head, Sakura rounded on Kakashi with a scowl. "It'd be nice if you didn't bring people out in nothing but a thin shirt when it's practically zero degrees out here, Kakashi-san."

He at least had the decency to look sheepish. "We're only allowed to let 'em leave with what they had on when they were brought in… honest," Kakashi added the last bit with his hands up at Sakura's quirked eyebrow. She crossed her arms, partly because she was irritated and partly because she was starting to feel the cold seep into her sweater.

"Okay, well as inhumane and ridiculous as that is, I guess next time I'm here I'll be sure to bring an entire extra wardrobe to fit the season," she grumbled, turning her attention back to Sasori who was staring at the parka around his shoulders as if it had personally offended him. "Sasori-san?"

He glanced up slowly, seemingly unwilling to tear his gaze away from the faded military green of her jacket. She gave him another one of her patented, 'trust me I'm a doctor' smiles. "Let's get out of here, yeah?"

A muscle in his jaw jumped and then he blinked once, deliberately. Without a word, he rounded the front end of the truck and the creaking of the passenger door opening rang loudly in the quiet as all of them listened to him situate himself in the cab. Kakashi glanced down at Sakura who was quite satisfied with herself.

"I'll have the paperwork faxed to you by tonight, probably," he lied and then fished a black, metal object from his pocket. "Here's his ankle bracelet. Put it on him and activate it as soon as possible, okay? You won't be completely safe until it's on. Get it done so I can rest easy, hm Sakura-chan?"

Sakura snatched the ankle bracelet from his fingers, always surprised at how light the thick metal felt in her hand, and gave him a short, stern nod. Kakashi and the others scattered back to where they had emerged from while Sakura settled herself into the drivers' seat, rolling up the window. She rubbed her cheeks to get the circulation flowing again, hoping the interior of the vehicle would heat back up quickly.

She could feel Sasori's gaze boring into her, burning the side of her face. As she slid Squeaky-san into reverse, her bright green eyes fell on the front of her parka where it draped over Sasori's thighs down to his knees. He had zipped it all the way up, and threaded his arms through the sleeves, encasing himself completely in it like a fiery haired caterpillar. Sakura fought the sudden urge to giggle at the thought.

"Sakura-san," Sasori said, his voice barely above a whisper as if he didn't want to hurt the silence between them. Sakura blinked as they drove away from the prison, surprised that he had voluntarily spoken to her first. She hadn't expected him to be much of a conversationalist. Her gaze cut over to him and she noticed that the collar of her coat was flipped up so that it covered his face up to his nose. He was slouched into the seat so that the lower half of his face was smothered into the jacket and his eyes were even more hooded than before, eyelashes absurdly long. He was staring at the dashboard, hands deep in the pockets of her parka.

"Yes, Sasori-san?" Sakura prompted, finally (reluctantly) dragging her eyes back to the road.

He let out an audible breath as if he'd been holding it and sank deeper into the seat and Sakura's coat. "This jacket…" he started, still speaking very quietly, just loud enough to hear over the rumble of the truck. "It's big. Warm. Kinda feels like…" He paused for so long Sakura glanced back over. His eyes had fallen completely shut and he was slumping against the door. She thought he was asleep until his lips parted to continue, "...feels like... a hug."

It was only a few more seconds before Sakura heard his breath deepen, even out, his posture going slack as he drifted off. She smiled to herself, covering it with her hand.

Yeah, definitely a keeper.

* * *

><p>Way deep down under his hard wooden exterior, Sasori just wants to be held. This is 100 percent canon.<p>

The ending to Naruto sucked and so here I am, like six years later, in an attempt to pretend my childhood love wasn't just brutally bastardized. (Apologies if you liked it ^^;) Also, a couple of my old fics I managed to keep on my hard drive are now linked in my profile. Neither of them will be finished, but there they are for old times' sake.

Anyhow, expect lots of fumbling and fighting boys, the Uchiha police force (plus fish-out-of-water Kisame), girls learning to beat the shit out of things, and Madara who's too cool for the police or prison.

red


	2. the adventures of sharkboy and uh itachi

Thank you thank you, precious sweeties for the favs/follows and especially the reviews! I love and read and reread every single one. For those of you coming back from way back when I'm so pleased you still like me (blushes) and all the new readers whom I've helped to cheer up or just plain entertain well I'm glad to hear I'm doing _something_ for you honeys.

This one's a quick little short (3k about), but I'm trying my hand at updating weekly. Wish me luck, friends.

* * *

><p>The squad car crept along the street, its notable black and white paint job drawing eyes from dog-walkers and little old ladies alike. Kisame exhaled heavily through his nose and fell back into his seat, shoving the vehicle into park against the curb he'd been attempting to ease along unnoticed. You'd think they'd turned on the flashy blue lights or something for how much they were standing out.<p>

"It's obviously impossible to be stealthy _at all_ in this fucking thing," he bemoaned, squinting across the street at the light blue house they were staking out. It appeared deceptively quiet, empty, as if a kindly grandmother who made cookies lived inside. Kisame knew better and he spat out the open window onto the tar of the road. A mailman dragging along his cart shot him a disgusted look. Kisame made a point to burp loudly in his direction with a rakish grin. Mailman-san scurried away.

He turned to glance at the silent figure in the passenger seat beside him. "Hey, Itachi are you listening to me?"

Instead of answering, his partner leaned down and reappeared with a bag from the local fast food joint they'd gotten as a peace offering for the blue house's occupants. He fished inside the paper and reappeared with his prim little salad, croutons and tomatoes and probably four pieces of lettuce. Kisame scowled instinctively at that slight against humanity. Itachi continued to ignore him, as he usually did, and popped the lid off his salad container.

"We're not eating in the car are we? I thought we got the stuff for-"

"It isn't here." Itachi's voice was the kind of baritone that just cut off any and all surrounding sound like a vacuous black hole. Kisame was perpetually envious of it. Not that he'd admit it aloud of course, Itachi already possessed too much power in this partnership due to his Uchiha name. That family practically ran the town when it came to law enforcement. Kisame was a shark and he still felt like he'd been thrown into the deep end without a lifejacket when he walked into the police department and saw nothing but black soulless eyes staring up at him. It was horrifying.

Recalling Itachi's words, Kisame glanced at the blue house and found that it was, indeed, there. "What?"

"Squeaky-san." Itachi pointed with his plastic spork across the street at the side of the blue house. Kisame made an ohhh sound at the empty dirt patch to its left, a space usually occupied by a beat up, red Toyota.

"So what, we're just gonna sit in the car and eat? Like dogs on the porch waiting for their master to come back?" Kisame muttered, lip curling to expose sharp teeth. Itachi nipped at a large tomato on the end of his spork like some kind of vicious bird of prey. Once he was done, he reached into the bag and produced Kisame's half-pound cheeseburger, holding it out to him across the console. Kisame eyed the giant thing, its plastic wrapper already dotted with damp spots of pooled grease.

Kisame's mouth watered. Itachi didn't quite smirk but Kisame knew it was there, underneath his mask of indifference. Maybe Kisame didn't have as high standards as he liked to believe. And his partner knew it. "Fine, if you'd really rather sit outside a girl's house waiting for her to get home, then by all means. Gimme the food," he muttered, tugging his big, meaty, artery-clogger of a meal from Itachi's skinny fingers. He ignored the actual tiny quirk at the corner of Itachi's mouth and unwrapped his food with jerky movements.

He had just opened his mouth wide, jagged teeth poised at the ready to sink into the fatty blob of delicious dead cow, when a loud banging of wood on wood ricocheted through the squad car. Muffled sounds of a struggle, muted shouts and more thundering of physical attacks had Kisame on immediate alert, the burger lowering to his lap.

The blue house (Haruno Halfway House in fact) no longer carried that visage of a kindly old lady's cookie-cutter life. With it's brown door hanging wide open, large potted plant smashed to pieces on the small porch, and a bundle of human beings rolling down the stairs in a mess of limbs and hair, it looked more like a filming location for a documentary about gang violence.

"It's the religious nut and Barbie isn't it?" Kisame growled, already wrapping his burger back up with a hollow feeling. "For fuck's sakes, I just wanted to eat a burger." He plopped his food back into the bag and made sure Itachi had also secured his meal. With a muttered curse, he flicked the lights on and zipped the cruiser across the road, foot planted on the accelerator with probably more force than necessary. But he wanted his burger goddammit. He ended up half on the lawn with a thud that was more than likely the sound of his head smacking the roof as the front end bucked over the curb like a bull.

He tore out of the car, the image of his rapidly cooling burger (fucking _five dollar _burger) was enough to make him wanna pound a few twerps into the concrete. Fortunately for said twerps such acts were illegal and _especially_ illegal for him as a cop so he settled instead for his trusty taser. Handheld non-combatant edition. Worst damage the thing could do was make them piss themselves, which honestly would be the highlight of Kisame's day.

Barbie was on top of the little masochist, a hand tight around his throat and a knee digging into his chest. Little masochist was clawing at Barbie's face with his right hand, a palm shoved up under his chin, fingers digging into the side of his mouth. His other hand had a fistful of blond hair, yanking hard enough to bow Barbie's body at an awkward angle.

They looked like stars in some kind of gay fetish porn now and Kisame bit back a laugh, burger momentarily forgotten. "I've seen toddlers fight harder than you two," he announced, schooling himself when Barbie threw a punch hard enough to have Masochist spitting blood (among other choice words that Sakura would kill him for saying). In the noise and commotion of little masochist's attempt at a counterattack, it wasn't difficult to jab the prongs of the taser into the meaty part of Barbie's waist.

He went down with a violent twitch, his entire body seizing up and then releasing rapidly. A whine scratched out of his throat like a dying animal (like Squeaky-san to be honest). Deidara collapsed in a heap onto the dead grass of the lawn, shaking minutely and staring up at the gray sky with unseeing eyes. Kisame was quick to aim for Hidan but was mildly surprised to see Itachi shoving the taser into the guy's kidney. He flailed around as if he were drowning, grunting in the way a man who was being repeatedly stabbed might grunt, before folding in on himself beside the blond.

Kisame whistled low and shook his head. "Damn, Itachi. The kidneys? You trying to kill the guy?"

"He likes pain," Itachi supplied as if that excused shooting 50,000 volts into the only area that would evenly disperse the burning pain throughout Hidan's body. The poor asshole was still twitching on the sidewalk. Shirtless no less. In this weather? These idiots couldn't take care of themselves properly for less than a day, let alone the rest of their lives. Sakura didn't know what she was getting into when she started the halfway house and let _this_ in. They were never gonna leave.

"Soooo…" Kisame drawled out, shoving his taser back into its pouch on his belt. "What were you two infants fighting about?"

Hidan spat black blood into the grass and rubbed his swelling jaw. "Fuck you, fishdick," he snarled, pushing himself up onto his ass and shooting Deidara a disgusted sneer. "You too, fagface." It seemed like the kind of comment someone would say just before walking away in a dramatic exit, except Hidan couldn't do much more than sit there, leaning back on his palms, sweat drenched and panting. He settled instead for giving everyone the stink eye.

"Is Sakura-san out?" Itachi asked in his voice that left no room for anyone else's at all, let alone disagreement. When no one offered up any answers immediately, Kisame kicked at Deidara's leg, eliciting an instant recoil and a hiss.

"Do you see Squeaky-san, assholes? What do you think, yeah? We're not her keepers," the blond growled, voice husky with pain as he managed to leverage himself upright with the bottom stair. His hair was all over the place, bright strands sticking up every which way as if he'd stuck his finger in a light socket. And that was all Hidan, the taser didn't fuck with your hair. As if sensing the crooked grin on Kisame's face had everything to do with his hair, Deidara quickly started running his fingers through it, combing it back into submission.

"I'm sorry," Itachi said, flicking the switch on the taser still in his hands, blue electricity buzzing between the prongs. "That was vague of me. What I meant was, where _is_ Sakura-san?" Hidan and Deidara's collective flinch was amazing and Kisame had never been happier to be Itachi's partner than in that moment.

Both children (mentally anyway) glared at the ground in opposite directions, looking like someone had just told them the ice cream man kidnapped children and could not be trusted. Deidara made a 'che' sound and drew his knees up to rest his arms on them, a handful of torn up grass in his fingers. He refused to look up from what must have been a particularly interesting bit of sidewalk and mumbled something that literally nobody could understand.

"Haa? What was that, princess?" Kisame bent closer with a hand cupped to his ear, taking a small pleasure in the two's obvious discomfort.

"I said dunno," he said, louder this time but just as put out.

Itachi's eyebrows furrowed deeper than usual and Kisame tilted his head. "You don't-"

"She left at the fucking asscrack of dawn, all sneaky like she finally got fucking tired of our shit and ran off to live with that cockhole." At Kisame's confused blink, Hidan explained, "that one with the fucking whiskers and shit."

"Right, yeah. 'Cause that makes perfect sense. You know the government basically writes her checks to deal with our 'fucking shit.' It's illegal for her to run off just as much as it is for us, yeah. Dumbass," Deidara murmured the last word under his breath with a roll of his one visible eye, as if this possibility had already been discussed many times over. Kisame scratched his neck, already growing bored with the conversation and the two of them as a whole.

"Okay. Well as much I'd love to stick around and help solve the mystery of how much money someone would actually have to get paid to willingly put up with you two, I've got a burger in the car with my na-"

"Neither of you contacted her to ask?"

Kisame glowered at Itachi. What was with people interrupting him all of sudden? He had important things to say too, thanks. Like how he just wanted to eat his fucking burger in peace without having to tase two little shits and then give them the third degree about their mama. He felt like he was dealing with a couple of grade-schoolers who got lost on the way home.

"She didn't even answer my last text and it was pretty urgent," Deidara said with something that looked a lot like a pout to Kisame. Hidan smirked at the blond's expression, cracking the blood congealing at the edge of his lips. He looked as if the fact Sakura ignored Deidara was the goddamn highlight of his life. Fuckin' babies, both of them. "She even ignored Tobi, yeah, and she never does that. Ignoring Tobi is like inviting some kind of physical molestation onto your person. The longer you ignore him the more invasive it gets."

Hidan nodded solemnly. "S'fuckin' horrible."

Kisame didn't even want to know.

"SENPAIIII!" Tobi's screech was as grating as ever on Kisame's rapidly fraying nerves. It was like the idiot had some kind of sixth sense and materialized whenever his name was mentioned. Like Bloody Mary but worse. He was nothing but a spiky black blur that launched onto Deidara's back, arms winding around his neck and clinging to him like a koala bear.

"WHAT, TOBI, _WHAT?!_" Deidara shouted, toppling forward onto his palms and shaking with equal parts fury and exhaustion. "Would you get the hell off me-"

"Sakura-chan texted youuuu!" Tobi sang, seemingly oblivious to Deidara's apparent outrage. He proffered a phone from out of nowhere and dangled it in front of the blond's face like it was a piece of delicious meat and Deidara was a starving lion. Fittingly, Deidara snatched it out of his hand so fast Kisame almost missed the movement. While he furiously made to read whatever Sakura had sent to him, Tobi turned leery eyes onto Hidan and licked his lips.

Hidan eyeballed him, stomach muscles clenching in preparation to run for his worthless life if necessary. "The fuck're you looking at, scarface?"

As expected, the ball of endless energy leapt off Deidara (who'd seemingly forgotten he was even there) and practically tackled Hidan to the dirt. Or at least it'd looked like a tackle. In reality, Tobi had supplied another cell phone from god knew where and smashed it into Hidan's forehead, sending the two of them falling to the ground in a crash of limbs. "Sakura-chan texted Hidan-san too! Tobi doesn't know why though, Hidan-san is a bad man. Tobi thinks Sakura-chan should have texted Tobi but," his eyes bubbled with tears that were suddenly dripping onto Hidan's face. "SAKURA-CHAN DIDN'T!" Tobi was practically sobbing, shoving the phone harder against a wailing Hidan's forehead before jumping to his feet and running back into the house.

Itachi and Kisame shared the look of two men in a sea of imbecility trying desperately not to step in it lest it was contagious. How Sakura had managed _not_ to go completely insane was beyond Kisame's comprehension. "What does Sakura-san have to say?" Itachi prompted, once Hidan had recovered from getting attacked for arguably the third time in less than an hour. Arguably, because Itachi hadn't _technically_ attacked him but Hidan surely counted it.

Deidara was squinting at his phone like it was some alien creature. "She asked 'what kind of milk?' yeah."

"It just fucking says thirty-six eighty-seven." Hidan was rubbing the red squared imprint on his face as he answered. Deidara made a noise similar to Squeaky-san again.

"This is a serious situation, yeah! And she's asking me about _milk?_ MILK? How about 'where. are. you? Did. you. _die?_ and. if. so. why didn't. you. take me. with you?'" Deidara narrated as he texted, smashing send with enough force to almost crack the screen. Hidan contemplated his text from Sakura with a frown. Kisame could literally watch as realization dawned on him, his eyebrows gradually raising, jaw falling open.

"I fucking owe Kakuzu $36.87? Fuuuuuck, I only dug up $35 he's gonna fuckin kill me when he gets back. Shit, or charge me so much interest I'll have to cut my leg right the fuck off to pay it all. I'd like to see the bitch try and sew that one up. Fucking shit I'm gonna die tonight." Hidan collapsed back onto the ground, dead eyes staring at nothing.

Soft footsteps from the tiled foyer had Kisame glancing up to see black and white Zetsu standing in the entrance looking unflappable as usual. "Why is Tobi cry-" he stopped short at the sight of the smashed pot on the porch, soil spilled all over the wood. The green spiky palmetto plant lay, weak and dying, smushed under brown pieces of sharp pottery. Zetsu's yellow eyes flashed and he was eerily still. "**What the fuck did you do,**" the right side of his mouth spat, twisting into an ugly snarl. It wasn't even a question, more like an accusation. His black fist was shaking.

Hidan and Deidara refused to move, let alone turn around and answer. The looks on their faces were akin to a pair of cornered squirrels. For a second, Kisame thought Zetsu was about to wail on them but his disposition suddenly shifted and then he was kneeling down beside the palmetto. His face, previously contorted with rage, smoothed out into a soft sadness as he reached out and petted the spiked leaves of the plant. "_Supaiki,_" he whispered (what Kisame assumed was) his name for the palmetto mournfully.

They could still faintly hear Tobi's sobs through the open front door.

Kisame rubbed his forehead and took Itachi's silence for what it was, sighing so heavily he felt as if his soul had just slid out of his mouth. He just wanted to go home, but the ineffably pathetic sight in front of him was just too sad to ignore.

"We uh… brought burgers?"

* * *

><p>Did you laugh at all? I like to think I'm still funny :P<p>

Hope you enjoyed the boys so far. I expect they'll be about this ridiculous roughly ninety-eight percent of the time. The other two percent is delegated to our sweet Sakura of course (not that she appreciates it but that's the best part). Don't worry, Sasori gets to meet the guys next chapter. Things get violent.

Feel free to drop me a line, lovelies!

red


	3. welcome to the fighting pit, sasori

Okay, so it's not Sunday in my time zone which means I still definitely update weekly :P

Y'all's (what a beautiful word) reviews are SO WONDERFUL THANK YOU SWEETSIES! I hoard them all like some sort of red, scaly dragon. Just imagine me languishing in a pile of them and breathing fire at anyone who tries to take them away from me because that is a highly accurate depiction. Also, pleased as punch to read that some of you laughed at my silly writing. Those of you who enjoy my chapter titles deserve a hug. I try my best to entertain, y'know *curtsies*

Since last week's chapter was just a short little thing, here's another 5k-er for you beautiful people.

* * *

><p>Sakura faced a truly problematic dilemma. On the one hand, it was midday and the sun was at its highest point in the sky which generally meant that it was the hottest outside it was going to get. (Even if that only made it 8 degrees instead of 0.) Technically, she could survive that kind of weather in just a sweater. It would just be miserable. On the other, Sasori was still out cold against the car door and she had a sinking feeling he wasn't going to relinquish her parka anytime soon. She also didn't really want to make him give it up anyway so…<p>

Her phone lit up (still on silent from hours earlier) and she glanced down at the cup holder it sat in to see the banners on screen. She had already read Ino's other distressed messages and one from Deidara whining about her being gone so she originally assumed it would just be those two complaining some more. However, three text messages with more text in the preview than she ever saw from the guy that sent them, were visible.

She picked it up and unlocked the phone to see what he could deem important enough to warrant a message. It wasn't like she had anything better to do, sitting in the parking lot of a convenience store and wondering if it was worth it to run in and buy Deidara some milk.

**The pretty officer (Itachi Uchiha)  
><strong>- _They're abhorrent so we've given them food in hopes that that will calm them down until you arrive. I hope this isn't too forward of me to ask, but where are you? If that isn't my business, then I would like to know when you may be getting back. They need supervision and as an officer, it is my duty to keep them from committing any more crimes.  
><em>- _You keep them from committing crimes, so your presence is a necessity.  
><em>- _We also brought you a salad._

Sakura was almost positive that was the most Officer Uchiha had ever said to her via text message. They talked so little over the phone that their hadn't even been a previous conversation readily available, so her message queue had created a new one. She had actually forgotten he even had her number and that she had listed his contact as that (though it might've been Ino's doing, maybe).

It also didn't shock her in the least that they'd shown up and insinuated themselves in her house. The only way that the officers could trespass onto her property was if they had witnessed a crime being committed on said property, which Sakura was sure they had. It was probably Hidan or Deidara. Kakuzu had to still be in class and Tobi was a good boy. Zetsu too.

Sasori chuffed a little in his sleep, nuzzling his cheek into the collar of the jacket. Sakura glanced over at his mussy red hair and sighed quietly. She hoped he wasn't a bad egg. It was hard enough keeping two violent brawlers under control in her small house, if Sasori ended up being a man with a taste for blood, she'd probably die from exhaustion.

_Thank you for the salad :) I should be home in a half hour or less. I'm so sorry about the guys,_ she typed in a rush, already feeling her cheeks pinking. She was always overly polite when she talked to Officer Uchiha. They were acquainted well enough but there was just this air around him that commanded respect and maybe nursed a little insecurity. Not to mention the fact that he was really pretty. If he and Sasori could reproduce that child would be so gorgeous Sakura would actually die on the spot.

Officer Uchiha replied immediately and Sakura was impressed with how fast his thumbs must've moved to accomplish that.

**The pretty officer (Itachi Uchiha)  
><strong>_It's fine, Sakura-san. There's no need to apologize._

Riding in on the tails of Officer Uchiha's message, were another two from Ino and Sakura forwent answering the pretty officer's text (it didn't really need one, right?) for reading her best friend's.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>- _PLEASE tell me this new one is cute 2 the only good thing abt this is their faces. it's like prison changed into a male modelling agency when i wasn't looking. R U SURE AME PRISON ISNT ACTUALLY AME TALENT maybe they're lying and those guys are actually models  
><em>- _ACTUALLY THATS IMPOSSIBLE THEYRE DEF CRIMINALS_

Sakura had the strong urge to massage her temples at the headache Ino was very adept at bringing on. She went to lock her phone with the full intention of not dignifying her texts with a response when another one popped up.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>_for real tho send me a pic_

There were a few things Sakura didn't really address to other people. The fact that the many men she helped to transition back into society were rather attractive individuals in their own ways was one of those things.

She could admit to herself that Deidara was good-looking in that pleasant on the eyes way, especially with his perfect hair that made even Ino grumble. She wasn't ashamed to confess that Kakuzu's stitches were weirdly fascinating and his eyes were probably the loveliest shade of green she'd ever seen. She could plainly see that Tobi was ridiculously adorable despite the scar that covered the right side of his face and Zetsu was indescribably sharp and soft in a way that interested Sakura. Hidan was a whole different beast, but Sakura had patched him up enough times to have seen ninety-eight percent of his body and she was not disappointed with what she'd observed.

All in all, she knew the men that lived in her house were not unattractive people. But that didn't mean she wanted to perve on them with her best friend. Sakura glanced over at Sasori again, unlocked phone sitting limply in her palms. He was still curled up, lips slightly parted and eyelashes fanning out across his cheeks like feathers. His face was so lax, so different from when she'd first met him under his mask of apathetic superiority, that Sakura was suddenly possessed with the need to gather him up in her arms and hug him tight. He liked hugs, based on his comment from before. Sakura liked giving hugs so they were obviously a perfect team.

She wouldn't touch him though. She never touched anyone without their permission, especially when they were fresh out of prison. There was no saying what they'd gone through in that dark brick building, and even before then. Deidara hadn't let her sit next to him for two weeks until finally muttering 'whatever' and scooting down her couch to make room. Sakura was patient when it came to these kinds of things, so even if she really wanted to show Sasori that cuddling up in her parka was nothing compared to a real, honest to goodness hug, she wouldn't.

_I don't take pics of people without their permission, _Sakura tapped out the message and hit send.

**Ino oink oink  
><strong>_not like ur guys live by those rules i dont see Y U care. D has sent me many pics. tobi 2_

Sakura's face reddened. _Shuddup, I told them to sto p ok they'r e weird af _she didn't even have the mind to correct her typos. Ino seemed to take this obviously embarrassed message as an invitation to send her every single cell phone picture she'd been sent in the past.

One with Sakura passed out on the couch, mouth hanging wide open in mid-snore. Another with her glaring accusingly at the wall, coffee mug in hand and hair a scruffy mess. A selfie with the top of Tobi's grinning face and Sakura standing in the background in a big t-shirt (possibly Tobi's) shuffling through freshly acquired mail. Sakura on her knee, face twisted into a somewhat sadistic grin, foot molded around Hidan's cheek as she pressed him into the carpet for emergency stitches.

It was like scrolling through a slideshow of the ugliest moments of her life and Sakura winced at the state of her face in half the photos. Saving herself from further torture, she locked her phone back up and dropped it into the cup holder. The sound of the impact must have been loud in the silence of the truck because Sasori's breath hitched and then his eyes were flicking open. Sakura froze like a deer in headlights, those liquid amber irises finding her instantly and pinning her to her seat. He blinked twice, slow as if trying to remember who she was and where they were.

Then he sat up straighter, suddenly taller than her in the small confines of her truck. His eyes didn't move from her face. "Sakura-san." It wasn't a question or even really a greeting. He just said her name and watched with that calculating gaze, getting a read on her. Sakura was unmoving for two seconds longer and then she internally shook herself, tearing her eyes away to look out the windshield.

"Sasori-san! Haha, good morning. I'm just stopping at the store to get some milk for the guys back home, ehehe," she said, winded. Her awkward laughs did little to ease the tension rapidly filling up the cab as Sasori eyed her like she was an object. One second he was a cute little kid by appearance and the next he was this cold, hard thing with no other motivation than to see how she ticked. Sakura could feel his stare on her and she ran her free fingers through her short hair for something to do.

"Ah," Sasori voiced his acknowledgment and then finally turned to look down at her green parka he'd buried himself in. "You will be needing this then?" He grabbed the bottom of the jacket and flapped it, as if Sakura could think he was referring to anything else. Sakura watched him in her peripheral, hoping to get a feel for his expression. She didn't want to take it if he liked it, but she also really didn't want to go out into that weather without it if at all possible. His face was carefully neutral, betraying nothing but an empty stare. He tilted his head slightly.

"Uh, um yeah it's pretty cold," she finally said, internally crossing her fingers.

Sasori's lips quirked into what could only be described as a smirk. "Too bad," he said, voice faux cheerful.

Before Sakura could properly process that, he was leaning across the console, planting a hand on her thigh and sticking his face right up against her hair. "_I_ get to be the poor penniless misunderstood criminal, and you, Sa-ku-ra-san," he breathed against her ear and shivers tingled down the base of her neck. "You get to be the nice young lady who's gonna take care of me. Love me. Give me whatever I want..." His words dripped with a sweetness so saccharine it was obviously fake. Sakura twitched, fists clenching.

Her mittens were the only thing that saved Sasori from getting a hell of a bruise between his eyes, when she slammed her left fist (never was a lefty) into his face. He careened backwards, smacking into the window with a clunking sound and a grunt of surprise, momentarily stunned. Sakura ripped the ankle bracelet from her pocket and grabbed his calf, tugging up his ratty jeans to snap it around with a final click. The deed done and Sasori now sprawled in the passenger seat with one foot against the gear shift and his legs wide open, Sakura poised her fist over his sensitive bits. She could easily take away any hopes for future children in one swift punch.

The sound of him swallowing was audible as he stared at her with a kind of horrified awe. Sakura shot him her own self-satisfied smirk. "Please, I've been living with ex-convicts for years," she said and he blinked, eyes still wide. "Now I'm gonna get milk. You stay here until I get back." She waited until he nodded, a short sharp thing, and then retracted her fist. Opening the door to a frigid cool, she smiled sweetly over her shoulder. "You can keep my parka long as you like, Sasori-kun."

She didn't wait to see his expression.

There were a few things Sakura was good at. Self-defence was a class she'd been taking with her wonderfully talented instructor Tenten ever since she thought to run a halfway house. Taking down a man roughly her size in the tiny cab of her truck was child's play compared to what she'd had to do to get Deidara off of Hidan in a fight, or vise versa. Plus, holding Hidan down long enough to get his cuts and holes patched up took much more strength than people knew. He was a slippery fucker when covered in his own blood. Sakura didn't think of herself as hardcore but Ino seemed to drop the word often in reference to her so maybe it was true.

As she was grabbing Deidara's favorite whole milk and a bottle of chocolate syrup for Tobi, her cheeks did burn pink just a tint. Sasori was pretty and she was only human okay, shut up. The fact that he was an entitled asshole wasn't all that shocking, considering he went to prison for something and nice boys didn't go to prison. She had expected his true nature to surface at some point, she just wished it hadn't surfaced quite so close to her. The faint imprint of his warm hand on the middle of her thigh and the damp heat of his breath right up against her ear had her mind frazzled for a second longer than it should have been.

Sakura internally berated herself as she paid the cashier. She needed to be authoritative like Kakuzu if she wanted Sasori to not only do as told but to respect her and her personal bubble. After all, she hadn't touched him without his permission out of a respect for his space and this was how he repaid her? She grumbled all the way back to the truck, wishing she'd forced a hug on him in his sleep. Or at least snapped a few embarrassing photos of his stupid cute face.

Opening Squeaky-san's door, Sakura was hit with a full on glare from that stupid cute face, irritation and general displeasure dancing across his eyes. She ignored him without much effort and climbed in, scurrying out of the chilly weather. The bag of goods was shoved next to Sasori's feet for lack of other available space, the redhead giving her the worst look as she got situated. Sakura started the car and finally gave Sasori her attention. "Are you okay? Your face doesn't look too good."

Sasori bit back a retort that was probably one-hundred percent rude and crossed his arms, the material of her parka bunching up almost comically. "I don't like waiting. You're too damn slow," he said, voice low and gaze boring a hole in the windshield. Sakura cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah? Well I don't like getting molested on the first day I've met someone, so I guess we're even," she snapped, shifting into reverse and heading home. He seemed like the type to be impatient, like a spoiled brat without the actual spoiling. Sakura wondered about his parents and then immediately squashed that train of thought. It was no use trying to pry into their lives, it only made her more stressed and them more annoyed. There were still a million and one things she didn't know about the guys she already had in her house, let alone Sasori. It was more than likely something tragic that would unintentionally endear her to him, so Sakura was honestly better off not knowing or wondering.

He didn't seem to have any kind of retort for her and they drove the next ten minutes to Haruno Halfway House in a terse silence. Sakura wanted to open her mouth and inform him just what he would be walking into when they reached the house, but then she thought about his lips against her ear and crushed the thought.

They neared her old blue house, driving past the wire-fence that ran along just one side to pull into her dirt patch of a parking spot. She used to text that she'd arrived, but apparently Squeaky-san's squeaks were heard through the thin walls so she never bothered anymore.

"Home sweet home," Sakura commented with a lazy flick of her hand towards the house. It didn't really need a grand introduction. The house itself was rickety and more than likely on its last legs. She'd replaced the plumbing pipes twice this year and Kakuzu's foot went through the second floor once, scaring the shit out of everyone below. Its blue paint was peeling, the neighborhood was risky at best, and the wired fence was rusting to pieces. But it was home. In a glance, she could see that Sasori was not impressed with it. Or with the police cruiser half on the sidewalk.

The redhead remained uncommunicative even with Sakura's expectant stare. She had at least thought he'd offer up some kind of derisive comment, but she guessed he was above even that now. Whatever had crawled up his butt and died could stay there for all Sakura cared. "Hand me the bag."

Sasori made no move to comply but he did frown at some point behind Sakura and BAM something collided with the window. "SAKURA-CHAN AND SQUEAKY-SAN ARE HOOOOME!" Tobi's voice was unmistakable. Why he'd felt the need to slam his hands against the glass was beyond Sakura and she sighed, grabbing the plastic bag.

Tobi opened the door for her while she was removing the keys and Sakura was abruptly engulfed in the suffocating hug she'd grown used to after years of exposure to Tobi. It was for the best anyway, with the cool weather blowing in her face, he was a welcome shield. She huffed, the young man's arms squeezing tight around her waist and his head mashed into her armpit.

Faintly, she heard sniffling and she shoved her hand under his chin, examining his red-rimmed eyes. "Tobi? What's wrong?" Tobi's puffy lower lip trembled and he clenched tighter to her midriff, her behind still firmly planted in the car seat.

"Tobi is sad about a lot of things! Tobi is sad Sakura-chan didn't text Tobi back. And-and Tobi is sad because… b-because Supaiki is _dEAD!_" he trailed off into choking sobs and Sakura shushed him, petting the soft black spikes of his head. She was concerned for Tobi (always) but at the mention of a plant's demise, her thoughts immediately flew to Zetsu and how hard he must have taken it. Tobi was big on sympathy pains and when someone he liked didn't feel well, he couldn't help but jump into the pit of sadness with them.

"How's Zetsu-kun?" she asked, glancing up at the empty spot on the porch where the palmetto used to reside.

Tobi sniffed against her chest and then tensed around her. The sounds of distress vanished as fast as they'd come and Tobi was raising his head to glance around her at the passenger seat. "Tobi?" Sakura said again, watching closely as his black eyes narrowed to slits and his lip curled. The arms at her waist pulled her along the cracked leather seat until she was perching on the edge, leaning against Tobi's tall frame to keep from falling out. She recognized the twist of his face.

"What the hell is that supposed to be?" Tobi growled, voice dropping an octave as he regarded Sasori the way a grizzly bear might regard a puny human. The way he kept tugging Sakura closer gave her a feeling akin to a bear cub, cuddled close by its protective mama. It was such an utterly ridiculous thought at such an inappropriate moment, Sakura's chest caved in with an anxious snort.

Her free fingers threaded in Tobi's hair and she gripped tight, leaning forward to plant a kiss against the side of his forehead, raised scar tissue under her lips. Tilting back, she smiled and said, "that's Sasori-san, silly. He's new. But that's for later with the others, look I got you chocolate syrup!" She used the plastic bag to block Tobi's view of Sasori.

Tobi squinted his eyes. "S-Sakura-chan kissed Tobi?!" he exclaimed, averting his eyes with pink cheeks. "_And_ Sakura-chan got Tobi a present!" He was burying his face against her sweater just like the good old Tobi and Sakura internally sighed with relief. She was also thankful Sasori hadn't tried to pick a fight or ask about what he was seeing. That was a can of worms best opened in private.

"That's cause Tobi's a good boy, duh. Now take this to the guys and let 'em know there's fresh meat, okay?"

Tobi nodded enthusiastically, his puppy persona fully in place, as he snatched the bag and made a mad dash for the house, shouting all the while. Sakura turned to Sasori who was staring at her with slightly raised eyebrows, red hair tinted orange under the ugly interior lights. Sakura shook her head.

She didn't like Sasori too much as it was. It'd take a helluva lot more than some curious eyebrows to get her to tell him about Tobi. The matter was just something she didn't like to share if she didn't have to. It felt private, not her business to tell. But if it came to a situation where Sasori was in danger, she wouldn't hesitate. For now, she'd keep it on a need to know basis.

"Let's go, the guys are waiting," Sakura said, sliding the rest of the way out of the truck and slamming the door shut. She caught sight of the awkwardly placed police cruiser again and sighed. What situation had exactly necessitated that kind of parking job? She wasn't sure if she really wanted to know. "Also, the neighborhood's resident crime-fighting duo is here too, so keep on your toes."

They sidestepped the slipshod fence and headed up the weedy sidewalk to the porch. Sasori followed behind Sakura at a leisurely pace, unwilling to live on anyone's time but his own it would seem. Sakura ignored his slow gait and bounded up the steps, practically lighting up at the noise that greeted her when she opened the door.

"Fuck Tobi shut the fuck up, some of us are _dying!_"

"But Tobi has milk and Saku-"

"TOBI. I repeat, yeah, I do not care about anything you have to say. Unless it's 'yes senpai I'll make you cereal with the milk I just got.'"

"Tobi-san, what was that about Sakura-san?"

"You just ate two fucking burgers, Barbie, how can you possibly want a bowl of cereal?"

"Tobi _said_ that Saku-SAKURA-CHAN! Tobi tried to tell them but nobody listens to TOBI!" He was gesticulating wildly with a quart of milk in one hand and the syrup in the other, waving them at Deidara and Hidan. Both of which were laid out on the armchair and couch, respectively. Sakura observed naked torsos and little ice bags, one on Hidan's lower back and one on Deidara's waist. The latter was pressing it gingerly to his pink skin when he turned a big blue eye on Sakura. His face beamed for half a second before he glared accusingly at her behind a veil of blonde hair.

"Where have _you_ been, yeah? Other than ignoring my text messages, obviously." He pouted (actually pouted, lower lip out and all) and managed to look even more pathetic and miserable with his bare chest and pitiable bundle of melting ice cubes. Sakura noted Sasori was still taking his sweet time observing his surroundings outside and frowned at the two injured.

"What the hell happened to you two?" she asked, already scanning their bodies with a physician's critical eye. She counted multiple scrapes and bruises littering Hidan's back from where he lay on his stomach, stretched out like a cat. That wasn't too shocking considering who it was, but the swollen goose egg she spotted on his jaw when he turned to look at her made her pause. Deidara, by comparison, seemed in pristine condition excepting the ice.

"Why don't ya ask the cocksuckers in the fucking kitchen?" Hidan mumbled, face squishing into the worn, yellow corduroy of the couch arm. He followed her with his bright eyes, alert. Sakura figured he must not actually be dying then.

In the archway to the kitchen, across the living room from where Sakura stood, Officers Uchiha and Hoshigaki loomed. They looked like actors playing cops in a movie, especially with Uchiha's face and Hoshigaki's hulking size. Sakura half expected a camera crew to come rolling down the stairs shouting CUT. She bowed lightly, "Uchiha-san, Hoshigaki-san! Thank you so much for going through all this trouble."

Hidan made an affronted sound, slightly muffled by the couch. "You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me. Those two fucksticks over there fucking tasered us or don't you give a rat's ass?" He still refused to raise his head completely from the arm of the couch and Sakura leveled him with a hard stare, unsurprised.

"I'm sure you deserved it. But I'll check you both out later," she assured with a dismissive wave of her hand. Hidan made that noise again and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like _bitch._ Sakura ignored him. "I'm sorry you had to do this," she continued to the officers making their way around Tobi (still shaking the milk and chocolate bottles in his hands) to stand in front of Sakura.

Itachi Uchiha wasn't tall by any means, especially when paired with Kisame Hoshigaki (who's blue hair looked like it was about to brush the ceiling). But he was still taller than Sakura by a few inches and she was eye level with his mouth. Maybe she stared. She couldn't be blamed, officer Uchiha was on her list of the most beautiful people she had ever had the luck of coming into contact with. Speaking of that list… a glance over her shoulder showed Sasori picking at the wood on the porch railing.

"It's no burden to us, Sakura-san, if we can help to make your load lighter," Uchiha said in that deep voice that made her immediately stand at attention. It was similar to having a thick, hot liquid pour down your spine and settle somewhere in the vicinity of your lumbar region, forcing you to stand just a little straighter. Sakura was constantly envious of this ability that seemed to come naturally to him. If she had that power, one could be sure Sasori wouldn't have copped such an attitude.

"Oh my fucking god, kiss her ass some more. I don't think you've tasted her goddamn colon yet." Hidan's commentary was ignored as usual. Deidara eyed them with that sullen, I'm-being-ignored expression.

"Well I still thank you both. For the food too, actually, which I'm sure they wolfed down," she squinted at the males in the room. "You two can come over for dinner any night you're free and I'll return the favor. Scout's honor." She saluted with two fingers and smiled. The two officers had been attentive and worried for her safety for the last four years, it seemed now was as good a time as any to treat them. Especially when they were so nice to her, despite that she'd hardly done anything to warrant it. Must've been all the criminals in one place, it set off their protective instincts.

"I'll never turn down free food, babe. Count me in." Hoshigaki grinned a shark grin, sharp white teeth of a predator behind his smile. Sakura was once unnerved by the large officer but, just as she had with her tenants, she'd grown used to his looming presence and rapacious nature. It made her feel safe to know such a man was on her side.

Uchiha might have actually smiled. He was always polite but indifference was the emotion he wore most commonly. "I would gladly join you as well, Sakura-san." Seeing the corner of his mouth tilt up and his dark eyes soften, Sakura's face heated.

"Good, I'll remember to set out the extra plates," she managed to say, ignoring the stares boring into her head from the two injured blobs and their ices.

The officers said their goodbyes, even offered a few noncommittal grunts towards the men in the room who were more than happy to see their backs. Sakura turned to watch them and didn't miss the looks exchanged between Sasori and the two as they descended the steps of the porch. It was strained and stiff and the redhead's posture tightened up under Sakura's parka. She pretended not to notice when he caught her eye.

"Glad that's fuckin over," Hidan sighed, relaxing deeper into the sunken couch cushions. Sakura pitied him in that moment because things were about to get worse. She clapped her hands together (which didn't work so well with mittens) and pulled on her most authentic smile.

"Tenants? I've got an announcement for you," she began, gesturing for Sasori to get his fatass in and shut the door. He gave her that hooded stare but complied silently, just out of view in the tiny foyer. Tobi was already made vaguely aware of the situation so she pointed at him. "Put those up and go find Zetsu-kun for me, Tobi, please."

Tobi's face was suddenly solemn and he tottered in the direction of the kitchen. Sakura didn't miss the way his eyes had fallen on Sasori standing beside the wall that kept him hidden. "Ah, Zetsu is in the backyard for Supaiki, Sakura-chan."

"Oh, nevermind then Tobi," Sakura exhaled, chest deflating and shoulders sagging. Right. Zetsu got more attached to plants than most children got to pets. He probably wanted time alone. It was fine. Zetsu was the most mature out of the crew in front of her. He would handle the news in stride when she told him later. She waited for Tobi to return, fielding suspicious and somewhat curious stares from the wounded in front of her. Once she noticed Tobi's tall form in the archway, arms crossed and disgruntled expression on his normally happy face, she began.

"Kakuzu isn't here, but he's a mature adult. Anyway, Deidara-kun," Sakura addressed him and all eyes turned from her to the blond. Deidara raised his eyebrows and looked to be warring between excitement and fear. "You've got a new roommate." Sakura quickly stepped over to grab her parka's sleeve and drag Sasori into sight as soon as Deidara opened his mouth to protest. "Say hello everyone to our newest member, Sasori-san!"

The redhead glared at her fingers wound in the jacket. She quickly released him only to jump at Deidara's sudden shout.

"YOU!"

He was leaping from his chair, ice bag falling to the wayside, and jabbing a finger in Sasori's direction. Sakura stared at him as he stumbled backwards against the mantel over the fireplace, looking absolutely horrified. Sasori tore his gaze away from Sakura's pink head.

They widened in an expression not unlike Deidara's. "YOU!" he parroted, tight stance unraveling so that he could plant his feet and brandish his own fist at the blond. Sakura turned green eyes back and forth, dumbstruck.

"TOBI!" Tobi added, advancing towards the two who seemed to be on the verge of some kind of duel, glaring fiery knives at each other. Sakura quickly intercepted Tobi, a hand flat on his chest, and forced her mouth to work.

"You know each other?"

* * *

><p>Well of course they know each other. What's Sasori without Deidara to drive him up a wall?<p>

Next time will be great for any Zetsu fans out there. I personally love writing his black/white sides as well as Tobi's mood shifts. Those two are precious and dangerous at the same time, I get shivers. There will also be brawling boys and Dr. Sakura to save the day.

Reviews will be added to my dragon-hoard pile,

red


	4. the death of plants and dignity

Just a couple days late, apologies! I got a teeny bit tied up with being sick (not to mention school and work, who wait for no man), but I'm nearly back to one-hundred percent so things should continue as regularly scheduled.

A lot of fandoms have migrated to other sites to host their fics, but I gotta say the beauty of this place is the amount of people who take the time to review and say nice things. I LOVE YOU BABIES. I just wanna wrap you reviewers up in fuzzy blankets and make you hot cocoa while you read this update. Just imagine me doing that for you as you go along okay, I'm doing it in spirit. For those of you who review anonymously: *squishes your face* you are precious to me.

This update's a little short, but bare (bear?) with me I'm still a little sniffly.

* * *

><p>"You know each other?"<p>

"This asshole was the one who blew up my studio! You piece of shit I thought you _died!_" Sasori spat at him, showing more honest emotion in those two sentences than Sakura had seen all day. Tobi tensed under her palm but she held him firm.

"I almost did, yeah! Your goddamn 'studio' had poisoned needles all over the place, who the fuck does that? One of 'em nicked me, yeah, and if I hadn't gotten to the hospital in time-"

"So you _blew it up?_ There was years and YEARS of art in there you uncultured prick."

"You call _that_ art? Poisons and wooden people? What even is that, yeah? You some kinda psycho? No wonder you ended up in prison." Deidara shrugged with his hands and averted his gaze to the side. Sakura squinted at the two and Hidan watched, obviously entertained.

"What did you just say to me you little brat?"

"_Brat? _What are you, like twelve?"

Sakura inhaled a heavy breath, holding it tight in her lungs, and releasing it slowly. It appeared to her that the two of them were getting along quite nicely.

She patted Tobi's chest twice and he glanced down at her, brow creased with worry (for his senpai probably). Assuming Deidara and Sasori were fine to shout barbs back and forth until they got it out of their systems, Sakura put her finger to her lips and, at Tobi's acquiescence, pointed to the back door through the kitchen. It was time to visit Zetsu anyway.

The two of them snuck away from the shouting and growling and laughing (Hidan sounded insanely amused) outside into the grassy, unkempt backyard. It was a small thing, probably three by three meters in perimeter and fenced in by that same rusted wire at the side of the house. Zetsu was sitting in the grass, blades tall enough to brush his elbows. His loose white tunic was bustling and thin in the bracing wind and his green hair rustled. He didn't turn around at the sound of her approach, Tobi trailing quietly behind. "Zetsu-kun?"

He spared a fleeting look over his shoulder, nothing but White Zetsu visible from his profile. His yellow eye widened minutely and then eased into an appreciative crinkle before he turned to face forward again. "Welcome home, Sakura-san."

His gentle voice held hardly any intonation and the subtle wilt of his shoulders would have escaped Sakura's notice if she hadn't spent the past three years memorizing his nuances. It was her job to take care of him among others, and she'd always been especially attentive with Zetsu. He kept to himself often so it took a while for her to really understand him.

Sakura stepped up beside Zetsu and carefully lowered herself to sit. She scooted close to him in the cold without even realizing and was immensely grateful for Tobi plopping himself down to her left. His height helped to block the gusts of wind from hitting her and she smiled up at him before turning back to Zetsu. Supaiki was nowhere in sight and Sakura honestly never knew what he did with the plants that didn't survive the weather or the tenants' rough-housing. She didn't know quite what Zetsu wanted to hear so instead she hoped her and Tobi's quiet presence would be enough.

It was silent save for the faint sound of Sasori and Deidara from inside and the howling of the wind rolling through the rafters. Zetsu breathed in and shivered violently, expression unchanged. Sakura watched him, worried, knowing how susceptible he was to the cold. When it came to the winter months it was usually her and Zetsu curled up in front of the fireplace under mounds of blankets together.

"Sometimes I think about trying to leave this house," Zetsu said in his quiet voice, gaze trained on the lone baby tree in the corner of their yard. Sakura hugged her knees to her chest to conserve warmth and felt Tobi (in nothing but his t-shirt) wrap an around around her shoulders with a tiny grin. "Or I dream about being able to just leave and it's a happy dream."

Sakura ignored the sinking feeling in her stomach at Zetsu's words. Of course, she wanted him to be his own independent one day, but leaving for good? She didn't like the sound of that. Her hands reached out and grabbed Zetsu's left one, engulfing it in her mittens and warming it up. It was the only way to show him her support for sharing his feelings. He hardly ever did.

Zetsu smiled on his white side. "I think about leaving and it's a happy thought." His teeth showed behind his grin. "But then I remember all the plants and Sakura-san and Tobi. **Know they can't survive on their own at all.**" Zetsu tilted his head towards his black side. "I can't trust anyone else here to take care of them like I do. **I'd cut off their fingers if they tried.**" Sakura felt his white hand squeeze hers and she squeezed back. It was a nice sentiment even with Black Zetsu's kindly additions. Tobi leaned around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

It was quiet for a few long moments and Sakura decided now was as good a time as any. Zetsu was in need of some nice news. "Did I tell you I'm looking into getting a greenhouse as soon as it warms up?" she asked, bumping her shoulder against his.

Zetsu went rigid beside her and pulled his hand free. Sakura let him move away, eyebrows drawing together. Had she thought wrong? She was about to apologize for whatever she'd said to offend him when Zetsu's arms reached out to tug her into the first hug he'd ever given her, his cheek pressing into the crook of her neck. She could feel his wide, toothy grin against her skin and she lost her voice, momentarily stunned with her hands in the air. "I get to design and pick it out right? **Nobody else is allowed near it.**"

Sakura laughed into the material of Zetsu's shirt. "Of course of course, it's for you!" she exclaimed, feeling bubbly and patting his back. He squeezed around her middle.

"Tobi can help right?" a small voice came from behind her. She felt a hand ball in the material of her sweater, right above Zetsu's arms, already trying to pluck her free.

Black Zetsu rumbled a dark laugh. "Tobi is a good boy," White Zetsu consented, but his right hand swatted Tobi's fingers away from Sakura's sweater. Sakura was just starting to wonder if she'd be free (although Zetsu was pretty warm for a man weak in the cold) when he made to stand, lifting Sakura up with him. She yelped, clinging to his shoulders and flailing her feet in search of solid ground. White Zetsu laughed, a lighter sound, and twirled Sakura around once before dropping her back to her feet.

She saw his face-splitting grin up close and her tummy flipped. It was predatory and affectionate, aggressive and tender, and Sakura almost stumbled at the brightness of it. "Thank you, **Sakura.**" The lack of honorific had Sakura swallowing with a rapid nod, like a child in the face of something overwhelming. Zetsu didn't stop smiling as he made to head back inside. "I have plants to prepare for the greenhouse, Sakura-san," he said, quiet over his shoulder and slipped in through the back door, grin still in place.

Slightly mystified, Sakura stood shivering in the cold for longer than necessary just staring at the spot where Zetsu had been. If she had known she'd get that kind of reaction, she would've told him about the greenhouse months ago. She was delighted. Zetsu would definitely need to keep making that face forever, please.

"Sakura-chan!" Tobi tackled her from the side, arms cinching tight and providing a welcome heat. "Tobi wants another kiss." Sakura blinked, confused, until Tobi tilted forward so that his temple rested against her cheek.

Oh, a forehead kiss she could definitely do. Platonic kisses were Sakura's specialty, along with hugs of course. Although Zetsu might be giving her a run for her money. With a low chuff, Sakura pressed her lips to the edge of Tobi's scar tissue and felt him shudder against her for just a second, before popping his head back up. "Thank you, Sakura-chan. Tobi loves Sakura-chan's kisses!"

"And I love giving them, Tobi. C'mon, let's head inside, I'm freezing," she said with a chuckle, unwinding from Tobi's grip. He was the only one in the house she'd ever kissed. They were only innocent little pecks to his brow, over his scars. Sakura still didn't know what had happened to marr Tobi's face into a twisty mess of gnarled skin on the right side. Whether it had been an accident or something to do with his disorder. Either way, she knew the gestures of open affection helped Tobi cope and anything that helped her guys was something worth doing.

Inside the house, Sasori and Deidara must have tired each other out arguing. The two of them were prostrate on the rug, still glaring at each other, hostile. Sasori had yet to remove Sakura's giant parka despite the much warmer temperature in the house. She didn't question it though, the two of them being silent for a while was good enough for her. Hidan had vanished, either to the basement for his worship or upstairs to escape the fighting. Knowing Hidan, it was more likely the former. That man never left a fight alone.

Zetsu was also nowhere in sight, but the watering can from the kitchen counter was missing. "Tobi's gonna make some chocolate milk," Tobi said, more to himself, patting Sakura's shoulders and then heading for the fridge.

Sakura rested her hands on the back of the couch and stared down at the two supposed artists, unimpressed. "You two seem to be getting along."

Before either of them could reply, the front door banged open and Kakuzu appeared, holding a familiar red bag in his hand. Sakura eyed it and then turned to face him instead of the grumbling boys on the ground. "Welcome home, Kakuzu-kun. What do you have my bag for?"

"You left it in Squeaky-san. Not to mention the fact that the truck's tank has been filled." Sakura knew where this was going and she cringed before he even got the words out. "_Where_ is your receipt?" Kakuzu the miser to end all misers. He not only monitored his own funds with the watchful eye of a hawk, but he kept tabs on everyone in the house's expenses, gathering up bank statements and receipts like some kind of hoarder.

Sakura bit her lip and avoided the hard gaze of the impossibly tall man. His height only added to his horribly intimidating aura. "I, uh, might've forgotten to get it…." She stared at a very interesting speck on the wall. Kakuzu stared at her. She didn't feel anger in his gaze, or irritation, or anything really. It was like being eyeballed by a dead thing. Without blinking, he dropped her bag, letting it (and everything in it) crash onto the tiled floor of the foyer. Then he stepped around her to head up the stairs without a word.

"Hey, thanks for bringing in my bag, Kakuzu-kun!" It was always good to show appreciation. Even for the little things Kakuzu did. Expecting no reply but the slamming of his bedroom door, Sakura returned her attention to the two in the living room. Make that three. Tobi had finished making his chocolate milk, the sound of a straw slurping away from where he sat on the couch.

"Who wants to have a good ol' fashioned bonding session and give Sasori the tour and rules of the house?" Sakura asked, glancing back and forth between Tobi and Deidara. In her peripheral, she could see Sasori physically cringe at the idea. Too bad for him, it was custom that one of the other men explained how things worked and where things were. It kept Sakura from feeling like too much of a hardass prison guard and gave the new guy a peer-to-peer's outlook on his situation.

"No fucking way, yeah." Deidara reached under the coffee table for his bag of ice and bared his teeth in the redhead's direction. Tobi blew bubbles in his glass, apparently too engrossed to answer.

Sakura was just contemplating the merits of hiding Sasori away in the basement and pretending she never got him, when said basement door creaked open. She could see a clear amethyst eye peek out, frantically scanning what little of the living room it could see from its vantage point underneath the stairs. Sakura pointed upwards.

"He's in his room, Hidan-kun."

"Thank fuck," he whispered so as not to draw Kakuzu's acute hearing. "If he asks, I'm fucking dead as shit already ok? I got tased and fucking died right there on the lawn."

Sakura blinked, _wait a second._ She slipped over to the door, cheshire grin stretching across her face. Hidan eyed her and moved to brace against the door between them, wary.

"Give Sasori-san the tour and I'll help pay your debt to Kakuzu-kun," she prompted, folding her hands behind her back and puffing up like a proud peacock. She was pretty clever if she did say so herself.

Hidan seemed to mull this proposition over, gnawing on his cheek, turned to glance at something in the basement, and then finally nodded to her. "I just need like two fuckin' bucks." She stepped away to grab her bag from the foyer, allowing Hidan the space to slide out of the basement. Digging out the necessary cash, she gestured in Sasori's direction. "Up and at 'em, you're going with Hidan upstairs. I'm sure you'll both be great friends."

She held the cash to her chest when she saw Hidan making grabby hands for it. "And you're still sharing a room with Deidara so make nice. You already have something in common, build on that." She pulled on her shiny megawatt grin at Deidara's sputter of indignation.

"Hey, is that your fucking jacket?" Hidan asked, elbowing Sakura while he squinted at Sasori. Sakura didn't miss the tiny smirk on the redhead's mouth.

"No," he said at the same time that Sakura muttered, "yes."

The last thing she expected was to hear Deidara exclaim something unintelligible, while launching himself onto Sasori. Tobi, sensing the sudden excitement, hopped off the couch and yelled, "SENPAI, TOBI WILL HELP!"

"Good, yeah, hold him down!" Deidara growled, yanking at the zipper of the jacket and effectively stripping it off Sasori's front. Flipping him over to get her parka completely off proved to be much more difficult with Sasori kicking and punching and cursing all the while. Sakura contemplated intervening, but she had a feeling Sasori would only get angrier if she came to his rescue.

"Why the fuck is he wearing your jacket?" Hidan asked, grinning at the scene before them. Sakura handed him the money and sighed.

"He had on nothing but a thin shirt when I came to get him, of course he was freezing. I let him wear it so he wouldn't die," she explained over the sounds of the struggle, shaking her head when she heard the smack of a knee hitting Tobi's jaw.

"Hm," Hidan grunted, adding her cash to his own stockpile and counting it. "Letting his dick freeze off would'a been way fuckin' funnier."

"I don't know, this is pretty funny."

Sakura and Hidan startled, Zetsu having spoken from where he'd materialized at the landing of the stairs. He leaned on the railing to watch the tussle with a wolfish grin. "**Break his humerus and twist his scapula! It'll get it off easier.**"

"Please don't," Sakura said, rubbing her forehead and already dreading a hospital visit. There was a bang and a shout and Tobi's head collided with the coffee table. Deidara was shoved off not an instant later, falling onto his ass against the fireplace with a wheeze and a hand to his side.

Sasori shot to his feet, parka half off and t-shirt torn at the collar. It hung off his left shoulder, exposing the skin beneath, and when he moved it slipped farther down. "_Don't ever touch me again,_" he spat at Deidara with so much venom, Sakura took an instinctive step forward. "_Or I will kill you._" His furious eyes found Sakura and then he was making a beeline towards her, slipping back into the parka as he did so. Hidan tensed to step between them, but Sakura moved forward before he could.

Sasori was nose to nose with her, something like hatred behind a dead stare. "Where's _your_ room?"

Sakura frowned. "Wha-?"

"Your room. I assume it's off limits to," he cast a disgusted look at the males in the area, "_them._ I refuse to be surrounded by the likes of these poor excuses for humanity a second longer."

She took in the sight of him, ignoring the protests from the other tenants. The bleeding scrapes from fingernails on his shoulder, the bruise forming around his eye (from her earlier punch to his face and possibly Deidara's too), and the ruined state of his clothes. He was shaking very minutely, fists clenched and knuckles white from the pressure.

Getting the crap beat out of you on your first day in your new home was, probably, one of the worst ways to start. He might've been an entitled and superior little shit, but she didn't think he deserved the rough treatment. At least not so soon after getting released from prison. With an attitude and build like his, she couldn't imagine jail-time had been kind and the attempted beat down probably wasn't helping. Unintentional sympathy flushed her chest and she heaved a breath.

"Through the kitchen, on the left." She pointed towards the archway and he stiffly nodded, practically stomping to her bedroom. "You better come back out!" Her words met the sound of a door thudding shut.

All eyes in the room were on her. Zetsu's bright yellow, Hidan's clear pink, Deidara's one blue, and Tobi's- "Tobi! You're bleeding! Shit, c'mere." Sakura rushed over to him where he was sitting on the carpet, hand to his hair, and blood running down the right side of his face. It must've been from some deep scratch on his scalp. She knew head wounds bled a lot so he probably wouldn't die. Stitches, however, were a likely possibility.

"Zetsu, can you get me the sterile pads to clean him up?" she asked, using her fingers to brush gently across Tobi's scalp, edging through the soaked chunks of hair. As she waited for Zetsu to return from the kitchen, she noticed Hidan and Deidara watching and remembered that they'd gotten tased. Deidara's hand was still clutched to his side where the ice had been. She'd have to check them out too after Tobi was fixed up.

Doctor Sakura to the rescue, she mused, red blood dribbling down her wrist.

* * *

><p>Did you like Zetsu? He can be sweet in his own way. He and Tobi like each other, but they can tend to be a bit grabby when Sakura's between them. Kakuzu also makes his entrance, as cheap as ever. And boys are violent and bloody, but they're criminals so what can you do?<p>

Next chapter, say hello to Pein with his very important job and Tenten's badass self-defense class, featuring other boys as practice targets (re: punching bags.)

Review for your complementary fuzzy blanket and hot cocoa cup,

red


End file.
